


i hate you

by sarabbz



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Death, Life ruining maybe, M/M, Modern Era, No Gore, Pain, Sad, War, and he is back, if then inspired, im so sorry, jk, john was a medic in the army, no graphic details of death, thx idina for this sad ass song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 07:30:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5657818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarabbz/pseuds/sarabbz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John was a medic in the army and then he met Alex. They thought they could defer deployments for long enough, until the time came.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i hate you

**Author's Note:**

> this is VERY inspired by the song "i hate you" from if/then. an amazing song, honestly, and an amazing show. 10/10  
> with that in mind, buckle in this is a bumpy ride.

"Alex..." John murmured from behind him. Alexander had just opened a bottle of wine, coming home from a late night at work. The minute he walked into the apartment, he could sense the tension. He had not fought or argued with John for months, he had run every job decision by John beforehand, he made sure to remind John everyday that he loved him.

So why was there this tension in the living room? Why did Alexander feel this ache in his chest, that he could not breathe and even when he tried that it felt his heart was going to break? _Why was his heart breaking?_

  
"Don't say it, please," Alexander's voice came out as a choked sob, the sound dry and desperate in the silence of their apartment. Alex released a breath he did not know he was holding and inhaled shakily, his hands shaking. He knew. He is not naïve. It was about time this would happen, but God, did Alex wish it was not happening. John sat next to Alexander, interlacing his strong hands with Alex's shaking ones.

  
"We knew this was going to happen, Alex," John whispered, tightening his grip on Alexander's shaking fingers, like that small action would make everything better. Usually, it did. Not tonight, however. Tonight that one small action made everything worse, because this could be one of the last times Alex ever felt those hands around his own. "I got the call this afternoon."

  
"When do you leave?" Alex's voice came out as barely a whisper as he bit at his lips, willing the tears that flooded his eyes to disappear. Alexander does not cry. John has seen him at his worse and Alex had to make sure that was the last time John saw him like that. Alexander could not panic, he could not panic, _he could not panic._

  
"I leave in a week."

  
Oh God, he was panicking.

  
"I hate you."

  
Alexander rose from the bed, his hands finding purchase in his hair as the tears started to spill.

  
"I know."

  
His breathing got heavier, harder, faster.

  
"I love you."

  
His head was flooded with images of his life with John, everything they had, everything they could lose.

  
"I know."

  
The tears were flowing now, his breathing hitching and his voice begged him to scream.

  
"Don't go."

  
Alexander felt John's hand take his own as the other wiped his tears. When did John stand up and when had he wrapped his arms around Alexander's weak, shaking body?

  
"Alex..."

  
He closed his eyes, tears heavy on his face and his breathing quickening as John kissed at his hair.

  
"I know."

  
All Alexander could do now was whisper. He had lost his mother, the one person he loved the most in this world before he met John. Now, he could lose John. As if John could read his mind, he spoke softly, fingers still trying to wipe away the warm tears.

  
"I won't be near the action. I will be in a tent miles away."

  
That made things worse. Alexander did not know how or why, but he released himself from John's grip, swiping his hair back that had started to stick to his tear stained face and neck.

  
"I hate you, I hate you! Oh my God, I love you, no, fuck. I hate you. Please, don't do it," Alexander yelled, stepping further away as John stepped closer. This was not happening. This could not happen.

  
"I need you. My God, I hate you. Don't leave me, I love you," He raised his hand as John tried to speak. "Don't say that you love me, because it doesn't matter. You're leaving me. Leave me, I'm fine. I don't even need you. Oh my God, how I need you. We know I'm not selfish, but don't leave me. It's me, me, me. I, I, I need you."

  
Alexander collapsed in John's arms, sobs wracking his body and he felt like he was about to vomit. He was going to be alone for God knows how long and that is being optimistic. John might not even come back. Oh God, he might not come back. The tears continued as Alexander soaked John's shirt. All John did was rub his back, whispering sweet nothings.

  
"I've only made one promise and that was to you. You know me like no one has known me before and you know this is what I need to do. Before you say it, you know you want me to," John whispered, his fingers running through Alexander's hair. How was he so calm? "I love you, Alexander."

  
_How was he so calm?_

  
"Look at this calmly, let's discuss how I hate you," Alexander pushed out of John's arms, leaning against their balcony door as the cool glass seemed to burn against his heated body. "How much you have hurt me, except you haven't hurt me but it's clear you're about to."

  
John reached out for Alexander and he pressed harder against the door, looking out onto the New York City skyline. "Don't touch me, I hate you. Leave me, whatever. I'm tough, I'm okay. I'm steady and sturdy. I'm freaking the fuck out!"

  
He turned his body around to stare at his husband, fresh tears forming. Alexander was panicking, it was getting worse and worse every time he breathed. Panic attacks were not new to him but they definitely were not something that happened recently. Every time he breathed, he wished his lungs would collapse. He was begging his lungs to fail, his heart to stop banging against his ribs. He wanted this pain to end. The thought of losing his John. _His John_.

  
"I love you, I hate you, I love you."

  
John struggled but finally enveloped Alexander in his arms, kissing anywhere he could find, his eyes begging Alexander to comply with him.

  
The panic slowly started to cease as John slid to the ground against the balcony door with his arms tightly around Alexander. Alexander breathed slowly, tears matching pace. John continued to kiss at Alexander's hair and face, only kissing his lips as Alexander began to fall asleep.

  
"I love you."

* * *

The two men spent their last week together as if the end of the week was not going to tear them apart. The week involved more kisses, tears, and whispered affections and goodbyes than Alexander thought possible. He was never good at goodbyes, never enjoyed or believed in them, but for some reason, a reason Alexander was too scared to admit, this felt more final than their usual everyday goodbye kiss to work. He would not let that aching feeling ruin his week with the love of his life, however.

  
"Don't go," Alex whispered, his voice hoarse from the sobs that had escaped his lips in the early morning. John was scheduled to leave the apartment in fifteen minutes and Alexander had never felt more nervous in his whole life. Why was he even nervous? He was not the one going out to war to be a medic and help people. He did not have to see the dead bodies and try to fix his friends as they bled out. For some reason, those thoughts, however, were more comforting than the idea of John leaving.

  
"Alex," John's eyes dropped to the floor, their fingers entangled as they sat on the couch. They had not separated for days it seemed. Always intertwined, always there. People used to point out they were like that on a day to day basis, but Alexander did not truly notice it until this week when he knew he would be separated from his other half.

  
"I've always said I don't need anyone. I swore I would love without needing you. But God, do I need you. You are the reason my life is not meaningless. You're my only good decision in my life full of horrible ones. You are the one. I'm never out of place with you, I'm always safe with you. You make me feel alive," Alexander's breath hitched in his throat. "I love you so much, John."

  
John's eyes filled with tears as their lips met. Alexander kissed John as if he had never been kissed before. Every memory they had together, flashing before his eyes. This was it.

  
They kissed for what Alexander wished could be forever, their tongues gliding together as tears streamed down their faces.

  
"I love you more than anything in this life, Alexander," John whispered as they separated. He stood up and grabbed his bag as Alexander's heart broke more than he thought was possible. "I'll never say goodbye to you."

  
Alexander closed his eyes, biting back another sob. John kissed him once more, pushing Alex's hair back as he did. "I love you, John."

  
Alexander watched as his best friend, husband, the love of his life, his everything walked out of the apartment without a second glance. Maybe that was better. Maybe it wasn't. All Alexander knew was his heart was breaking, his breath was shaking, and the tears wouldn't stop.

  
Pulling out his phone, he shakily typed the number he has had memorized for years.

  
"Eliza? I need you."

* * *

  
It was five months later when Alexander got the knock at the door. Lafayette and Hercules had been over for dinner. Lafayette raised an eyebrow at the knock, all three of them not expecting any more company since Eliza had to turn down the dinner offer for a late night shift at the office.

  
Alexander answered the door reluctantly and felt all the air in his lungs disappear as he saw two men in uniform at his door.

  
"Mr. Hamilton-Laurens. We regret to inform you that Second Lieutenant John Laurens has passed away on duty. We believe the insurgents intended the RPG attack to inflict the maximum casualties in the medical facility. Your husband was working his third shift that day. The CO wanted you to..." The first man in uniform continued to speak, but Alexander had lost focus as he used his hands to cover the sobs that were desperate to escape.

  
Somehow, Alexander ended up on the couch with Lafayette and Hercules on both of his sides as the Second Lieutenant still was speaking while the chaplain sat next to him, both sitting across from them.

  
Alexander's breathing matched his heart rate, quick and panicky. He couldn't breathe. He lost his mother and now he lost his John and nothing could ever fix this.

  
He thought when John left that his heart broke, but this is worse. Alexander is a hurricane. He is on a ship and then he is drowning and he is screaming and he is crying and he is begging for death, because that is so much better than having to live a life without his John. Nothing is worse than the idea of living a life without the one person who made him better and who made him believe he could be a good person.

Alexander never felt at home, never felt happy, and then he met John. John made him feel unique and special and like writing for hours was not something horrible, but something to aspire to do. Something that was not weird, but it was fantastic and a skill and a gift. Now, Alexander had no one. He had no one to wake up to, to tell him he was special, to remind him to eat, to force him to sleep every night, to kiss him every morning, to whisper I love you to everyday. He had nothing.

  
It was hours later and all Alexander remembers was requesting everyone to leave, begging them to leave. Now that he was alone, he wished everyone stayed. He felt more alone than he ever had in his own life.

  
Alexander grabbed the photo he had of him and John on their wedding night. That was five years ago. Alexander is only 28 years old. He is too young to lose the love of his life.

  
"I hate you, I hate you, you asshole. I hate you, I love you. I hate that I hate you," Alexander screamed, his hands gripped the frame so tightly his knuckles went white. "I hate that I love you, I love you. I..." Tears streamed and he felt another scream building. "I _loved_ you. I. Loved. You."

  
Alexander threw the frame on the ground, the glass shattering all over the hardwood floor. He wanted this to end, he wanted the pain to end and this all to be over.

  
"I loved you. I lost you," Alexander whispered, falling to the ground next to the shattered frame and allowing the sobs to take over. "I _hate_ you."

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry, alex. i love u. sorry if the spacing is weird, when i typed it, it got all weirdly spaced out. thanks for reading! follow my twitter @crissftlaurens


End file.
